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5 easy hacks for a quick 7 figure exit – #4 made me LOL
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5 easy hacks for a quick 7 figure exit – #4 made me LOL

This article by Andreas Stanner is a “slightly” ironic take on startup pathologies to avoid. In 5 hacks the author shows you in detail...well. See for yourself.

Now that i click-baited you into reading this Watzlawick-esque take on a “how to: Startup”, let me tell you that this observation-based albeit highly opinionated enumeration of puddles to sidestep is to be taken with a grain (read: ton) of irony. If irony is not your thing, don’t continue after this point. Also, don’t found companies, startup life is way too cruel without this mechanism of mentally and emotionally dealing with the constant chaos that is the glamorous life of start up huzzlers. BOOM, hack #1. Didn’t see that coming, did you? In case you missed it, or you’re like me and always systematically skip an articles first paragraph of introductory blah blah:

Hack #1: Success is planable - if things don’t work out as predicted, get out immediately

You will find barely any success stories of entrepreneurs that Include their struggling and things that didn’t work out as outlined in their pitch decks. Pivoting is a myth, created by people who didn’t plan their success well enough. Save your time trying to solve problems and get right on to your next idea.

Hack #2: Winning teams are only made of rockstars

Compose your venture’s crew only of leaders and extrovert alphas. They will motivate each other in a friendly and very constructive battle for spotlights and attention, and that’s what you want! Disregard so called research on the benefits of heterogenous team compositions or character traits, that’s just propaganda of job seeking introverts. And don’t worry about delivery too much. Sales is your goal and sales doesn’t require any delivery and nitty gritty detail work. Sales require rock stars, not scientists.

Hack #3: Save money on your tech startup‘s payroll - hire interns

Let‘s face it - digital skills are a commodity. Virtually everything has been done before and is open sourced. Your dev team‘s main task will be copy-pasting components from github and assemble them into your bleeding edge, disruptive products and services, pretty much straight forward, like lego, really. And who is lego perfect for? Bingo: Juniors! Why would you pay the outrageous salaries of senior engineers if you can get 3 highly motivated rockstar undergrads + life time access to the definitive full stack web developer 2016 course for the same amount of money? Obviously, you wouldn‘t, naturally more is always better and in the end it just boils down to lines of code, and more fingers means more code.

If you - unexpectedly - run into any kinds of trouble with your digital product‘s quality or you team has problems figuring out esoterical aspects like architecture or security, just get a part-time, freelance senior dev for a few days and have him fix up all problems and mentor the crew simultaneously (= free team upgrade, ca-ching!)

Hack #4: J.A.B.(jargon, acronyms, buzzwords) your way to the top

Nothing screams “competence” more than using the language of experts casually but nevertheless constantly and for no real reason. Drop a little “neural net” here, “hockeystick” there, sprinkle in a little “convertible”  and everyone will rest assured you know your way around tech & business. Customers just LOVE being talked down to in lingo that means nothing to them but makes them feel like you know what’s best. Investors are absolutely impressed if you explain your rendition of “CLV>CAC” and how your “crypto play” will “leverage your capabilities into new verticals”.  You don‘t need to know exactly what any of this means or understand the underlying concepts - after all, no one can possibly know what „API“ stands for - but try to use the terms roughly in the right context and with the right pronunciation.

For bulletproof implementation of this approach it is of utmost importance to keep your communication as high-level and complex as possible. Stay away from details and facts that can be easily disproven and keep the core message trivial. Key is to say as little as possible with as many fancy words as possible and let your conversation counterparts fill in the blanks. Especially your product development will benefit from this royally, as it leaves enough room for interpretation to your rockstar developers while simultaneously infusing trust in your vision, since you use “SaaS” so eloquently and mostly in the correct context.

Bonus hack: Bring J.A.B. to your private life as well - you will be the bomb on any party!

Hack #5: Only. Good. News.

Good leaders naturally internalize that limiting your team-internal communication to only positive news is cornerstone to success and a very easy way to bend reality. Because, what is reality to you than your own perception of it?  So, why go through the hard work of creating and delivering value when you have it in your power to just communicate value to all your stakeholders?

Implementing this hack is very easy: ALWAYS shoot the messenger that comes with bad news. Overly praise team members that share good news, no matter how trivial or subjective. Critique that comes from outside your startup should be handled with ridicule and condescension. Bad customer review? They used your product wrong! Investor challenging your business plan? What do investors now about business?! Remember, only good feedback is good feedback!

Rinse and repeat until you instilled a good news only-culture, don’t let so called “facts” stand in your way to success.

Now, just follow these simple and intuitive hacks (tons of intrapreneurs, consultants and “serial entrepreneurs” already do) and enjoy your own 7-figure exit (disclaimer: 0000000 is a 7-figure number) in only a few months. Finally, a real alternative to multi-level marketing for quick & easy wealth!

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